


Keep Your Head

by yourebrilliant



Category: Glee
Genre: Gen, M/M, Zombies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-17
Updated: 2012-12-17
Packaged: 2017-11-21 09:39:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/596248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yourebrilliant/pseuds/yourebrilliant
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How do you get to Nationals when zombies are rampaging Ohio?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Keep Your Head

‘Still there?’ Sam asked, watching as Puck clambered down off the plastic chair he was using to look out the windows of the music room.

‘And totally hungry,’ Puck confirmed.  ‘Three of them just grabbed some dude and started munching on him.’  He made a face.  ‘That is _way_   worse than throwing someone in a dumpster.’

‘Has anyone heard from Mr Schuester?’ Rachel asked, hands clasped primly in front of her.  ‘If we don’t leave soon we’ll miss the plane.’

A wall of silence met her statement.

‘You have serious priority issues, Berry,’ Santana commented, turning away to try and get her own view of the carnage outside.

‘Look, people, we have worked hard – well,’ she added caustically, ‘ _some of us_ have worked hard – to get to Nationals and I am _not_ going to be disqualified because of some...some...’

‘Zombies?’ Tina suggested.

‘Finn?’ Rachel called, appealing to him for support.

Finn smiled sadly at Rachel.  ‘Sorry Rachel, Santana’s right; we can’t risk everyone’s lives just to try and win a competition.’

‘”Just”?’ Rachel asked, incensed.  ‘There is no “just” about _Nationals_ , Finn.  This isn’t about life and death. This is _way_ more important than that.’

‘Ugh, I need moisturiser,’ Kurt said, turning away from the window and digging a white bottle out of his bag.  ‘Just the sight of them makes me feel dry.’  Squirting liquid onto his palm, he began fastidiously rubbing it into his hands and neck.

‘Whoa!’ Suddenly the crowd at the window jerked back in unison, looking disgusted.

‘What’s going on?’ Artie asked, moving as close as his wheelchair would permit.

‘This armless zombie was trying to-’

‘Puck,’ Lauren said, placing a hand on Puck’s chest to get his attention, ‘no.  They can’t handle that.’

‘I could handle it,’ Brittany commented, looking over from her seat on top of the piano.  ‘But, I’m awesome like that.’  She scanned the rest of the group.  ‘You couldn’t handle it.’

‘You don’t even know what “it” is,’ Quinn pointed out.  Brittany shrugged and returned to examining the ends of her hair.

‘Look,’ Finn said, attempting to regain some order, ‘I think the best thing we can do is just, barricade ourselves in here and wait for them to move on.  I mean, they’re looking for,’ he gulped, ‘food, right?  So when they can’t find anymore here, they’ll move on and we can get away.  Right?’  He looked around, hoping for some agreement.

Everyone stared at each other for a second and then started talking at once.

‘Wait a minute,’ Mercedes said, frowning as she looked around the room, ‘where’s Quinn?  Hey!’ she yelled, waving her arms wildly to get everyone’s attention.  ‘Where’s Quinn?’

Finn looked around at the group, his brow furrowed in concern.

‘I, she was just here,’ Rachel said, biting her lip.  ‘You don’t think?’

‘No way,’ Puck said, clapping Rachel on the shoulder reassuringly, ‘if the zombies got her we’d hear her screaming.’

Rachel stared at him.  Lauren grinned.

Suddenly Quinn appeared in the doorway, her hair French braided and a heavy cheerleading trophy dangling from one hand.  'Right,' she said, looking determined, 'I've had a pretty shitty couple of years; I went through nine months of hell, gave away my baby, lost my boyfriend to a girl who wears woollen tights in summer, my parents got divorced, everyone found out my darkest secret, and I lost out on Prom Queen.'  She took a deep breath.  'I didn't go through all that so I could hide in the music room waiting for the zombies to get me.'  She hefted the trophy up.  'I think this should do some damage.  Don't you?'

 ‘I like your style, Fabray,’ Lauren said, nodding in approval.

 ‘Alright,’ Mercedes said, smiling, ‘Let’s do some _damage_.’

 Suddenly Kurt started pulling off his sweater.

 ‘Kurt?’ Finn said.  ‘What are you doing?’

 Kurt looked at the others incredulously.  ‘This sweater was designed by Alexander McQueen,’ Kurt said imperiously, ‘I’m not getting blood on an Alexander McQueen.’

 ‘Alright, hang on, guys,’ Sam said, holding up his hands, ‘what are we actually doing?’

 ‘Sam’s right,’ Finn said, ‘we need a plan of attack.’

 ‘Like, football?’ Sam asked.

 ‘Naw, man,’ Puck said, grinning enthusiastically, ‘like war.  There was some show on last night about those Roman dudes.  And they were fighting in a big triangle-’

 ‘It’s called a “wedge formation”,’ Rachel interrupted haughtily.  The boys stared at her until she rolled her eyes at their shock and moved away.

 ‘ _Anyway_ , the Roman dudes were in this “wedge” and all their enemies were in a straight line like the zombies, and those dudes were kickin’ ass, man.  That’s what we need to do.’

 Finn looked sceptical.  ‘I don’t know, man, I mean, what about the girls?’

 ‘They’re at the back.  Look,’ Puck broke away, crossing over to the white board and uncapping one of Mr Schuester’s marker pens, ‘all the football guys suit up.  Artie takes point, right, with one of the blocking shields,’ he drew a circle with an A in it, ‘one of us wheels him forward and the rest of us line up in a tria- _wedge_ behind him.  We batter through the zombies, clearing a path and the girls come behind us and lay into any zombies that try to come at us from behind.’  He drew a number of unmarked circles to outline the pattern of their formation.

 ‘With what?’ Mercedes asked, her hands propped on her hips.

 ‘With those trophies.  Coach Sylvester’s got a bunch of ‘em, surely there’s enough to go around.’

 Mercedes considered this for a moment and then nodded.  ‘I’ll buy that.’

 ‘And, where am I?’ Kurt said, raising a hand to draw attention to himself.

 ‘Layin’ into the bad guys,’ Puck said.

 ‘With the girls?’

 Puck sighed.  ‘Look, man, it’s not about you having a boyfriend, okay, you’re just not... built right to be a battering ram.’

 Kurt watched Puck pensively, his eyes flickering to the rest of the boys standing over by the white board.  ‘Well, I have been working on my upper body strength,’ Kurt said, after a moment.  ‘Maybe I’d be best swinging a trophy.’

 ‘You know it,’ Mercedes intervened.  ‘You come on over to our side, boy,’ she said, leading Kurt into the huddle of girls by the piano.  ‘We’re gonna have _all_ the fun.’  Kurt smiled at her.

 ‘You know,’ Finn said slowly, staring at the diagram thoughtfully, ‘this might actually work.’

 ‘’Course it will, man.’

 ‘Alright.  Let’s go suit up.  Girls,’ Finn said, raising his voice to draw their attention.  ‘You need to get your weapons, we’re gonna suit up and meet back here, right?’

 ‘Those zombies aren’t gonna know what hit ‘em,’ Lauren said, grinning in a way that made Puck smirk and the other boys regard her with fear.  The boys trouped out, heading for their locker room.  Kurt’s phone rang.

 ‘Kurt Hummel speaking,’ Kurt said, waving the girls on as they headed out to Coach Sylvester’s trophy case chattering happily.

 ‘You’re alive, great,’ Blaine replied, relief evident in his voice.

 ‘And kicking,’ Kurt said, taking a seat.  ‘We’re about to go “kick some zombie ass”.’

 ‘Really?’ Blaine asked, sounding concerned.

 ‘Of course!  Finn and Puck have it all figured out.  They even have diagrams.’

 ‘You’re going to be careful, though, right?’

 Kurt smiled.  ‘Don’t worry.  I’ve taken my sweater off.’

 Blaine was silent for a moment.

 ‘Where are you?’ Kurt asked.

 ‘Holed up at Dalton,’ Blaine replied.  ‘The zombies came by my house looking for breakfast so I snuck out and headed up here.  Where are you gonna go?  Once you kick all the zombie ass, of course.’

 ‘Well, Rachel’s all for heading out to the airport for Nationals-’

 ‘Obviously.’

 ‘But our ride hasn’t arrived, so I guess we’ll just...wing it.’  He paused for a moment.  ‘Blaine, if I _don’t_ make it-’

 ‘I know.  Tell your dad and Carol that you love ‘em, I can have anything in your wardrobe, and your eulogy is behind the dust cover of Barbara’s autobiography.’

 ‘Right,’ Kurt said quickly.  ‘Exactly what I was going to say.  Listen, I’ve got to go, the boys are back.’

 ‘Kurt-’

 ‘I’ll phone you when we get through.’

 ‘Take care of yourself, okay,’ Blaine said intensely.  ‘You’re more important to me than your wardrobe.’

 Kurt smiled fondly.  ‘You too,’ he said quietly.

 ‘See you later.’

 ‘Of course.’  He hung up and sighed into the empty room.  Suddenly the girls returned, each one bearing a substantial-looking, shiny trophy.

 ‘We picked the “Most Spirited” one for you,’ Rachel said, handing it over.

 ‘How apt,’ Kurt said.  They smiled at each other and Kurt stood to take some practice swings.

 ‘How’s Blaine?’ Tina asked.

‘Fine.  Alive,’ Kurt said.  He was saved from further questioning by the arrival of the boys.

‘Ready?’ Finn asked, helmet in hand.

‘I was _born_ ready,’ Mercedes declared, before she laughed.  ‘I’ve always wanted to say that.’

‘Enough chatter,’ Santana said, gripping her miniature cheerleader around the waist, ‘let’s do this.’

‘Game on!’ Puck yelled, shoving Finn in the shoulder excitedly.

They all trooped out into the hall, making their way towards the front doors.  ‘Alright guys,’ Finn said, settling his helmet, ‘Artie,’ Artie wheeled himself forward.  Once he was in position, Puck handed him the blocking shield, and the boys lined up.  The girls tucked themselves in behind, facing out and hefting their trophies.  ‘Now, aim for the head.’

‘Wait!’ Artie said, everyone looked at him.  ‘We need to move together otherwise we’ll get separated.  We need a beat.’

‘Any ideas?’ Finn said.

‘Da da!’ Kurt called suddenly. ‘Da-da-da.’

The boys looked confused, but Quinn grinned and sang.  ‘Off with your head!’

‘Da-dance, dance, dance till you’re dead,’ Rachel added.

‘Oh-oh-oh off with your head,’ the rest of the girls joined in.  ‘Da-dance dance dance till you’re dead.  Oh-oh-oh off with your head’

‘It’s close to midnight,’ Artie sang, Mike stepped up behind him and started pushing him forward, ‘and something evil’s lurking in the dark.’  The other boys moved forward, the girls just behind them, all moving in step as though this was just an amazingly realistic repetition of their half-time show.  ‘Under the moonlight, you see a sight that-ah almost stops your heart.’

‘You try to scream,’ the boys joined in, Puck and Finn pushing the double doors further apart as they moved, ‘but terror takes the sound before you make it.’

‘Heads will roll,’ the girls sang.  Santana seemed to be directing it at the zombies, who had turned towards the school at their appearance.  ‘Heads will roll!’

‘You start to freeze, as someone looks you right between the eyes,’ Artie reached out, shoving a zombie to one side with his blocking shield.  ‘You’re paralysed.’

‘Cause this is Thriller!’ Everyone sang, moving through the crowd of zombies, their gaze fixed on the opposite side of the car park.  ‘Thriller night, and no one’s gonna save you from the beast about to strike.’  As Artie sang, Quinn swung her trophy into the chin of an attacking zombie.  ‘You know it’s Thriller!  Thriller night!  You’re fighting for your life inside a killer, thriller, tonight!’

‘Off with your head!’ Santana stabbed one corner of her trophy at a zombie’s temple, Kurt ducking to one-side to avoid the blood spatter.  ‘Da-dance, dance, dance till you’re dead.’

Suddenly, Artie thrust the last zombie to one side and they were through to the other side of the parking lot.  ‘Uh, guys,’ Tina asked, staring out at the zombies who were still heading towards them, ‘did we have a plan after “Get past the zombies”?’

The boys looked at each other.  ‘Nope,’ Finn said sadly, ‘that was pretty much it.’

‘How long do you think we can hold them off?’ Quinn asked.

‘Not long,’ Santana commented darkly.  The girls braced themselves.

‘Wait!’ Kurt cried, peering over Santana’s shoulder as a car engine sounded in the parking lot.  ‘I know that sound!  That’s the Warbler’s van!’

As the girls turned, a gleaming black and red minibus screeched across the car park and skidded to a halt.  A familiar face leant out the driver’s side window.  ‘Anyone need a lift?’ Blaine called.

Kurt squealed and broke formation to run round to the passenger side.  ‘What are you doing here?’ he called, climbing in next to Blaine.  The rest of the Glee club piled in behind them.

‘Thought you guys could use a lift to Nationals,’ Blaine said, smiling warmly.  Kurt leaned over and clasped Blaine’s cheeks, pressing an excited kiss to his lips.  ‘Oh, hello,’ Blaine said, smiling softly.

‘Hello,’ Kurt replied, smiling broadly.

‘Hey, guys,’ Mercedes called, ‘the zombies are approaching, so drive first, make out later, okay?’

‘Yes, ma’am,’ Blaine called, winking at Kurt.

Kurt strapped himself in, throwing amused glances at Blaine as he flung the minibus into reverse and peeled out of the parking lot.  ‘Next stop, Nationals!’

 

‘Sue, why do you have a broadsword in your car?’ Will called across the distance between them.

‘I think the real question here,’ Sue called, neatly decapitating an encroaching zombie as she spoke, ‘is why don’t _you_?’ She paused for a moment, leaning on the sword and watching two zombies approach from different sides.  ‘I suppose with the amount of product in your hair, zombies would just slide right off of you.’  Suddenly she swung the sword in a wide arc, decapitating both zombies at once.

‘Oh, really?’  Will asked archly, retrieving a baton from the back of Sue’s car and taking up a fighting stance beside her.  ‘Is that why you stopped to help when you saw my car had broken down?’

Sue turned to glare at him, her sword held in front of her ready to spear any zombies that came too close.  ‘That is a vicious slander, Will.  We both know that your car constituted an unavoidable road hazard, and don’t think I won’t sue you for the damage to my car as soon as order is restored.’

‘What damage?’  Will called, grunting as he smacked a zombie in the face with the baton he held like a baseball bat.  ‘A little fender bender?’

‘Plus the damage you’re doing to that piece of stolen property,’ she said, nodding to her baton as she speared a zombie through the head with her sword, ‘and any damages to my sword-’ she was about to continue when they heard the squeal of tires and a familiar voice behind them.

‘Mr Shue!  Get in the van!’  Mercedes called.

‘Blaine’s taking us to Nationals,’ Kurt added, grinning smugly.  Will slid across the front of his car to land in front of the van.

‘You too, Coach Sylvester,’ Finn added, leaning ‘round Mercedes to open the sliding door on the side of the van.  Will jumped up into the van and began a headcount.

‘Absolutely not,’ Sue said, swirling her sword in a complicated move that ended with her spearing a zombie who had been approaching from behind.  ‘I don’t need rescuing by a-’

‘Sue,’ Will said, leaning back out of the van and staring at her intently, ‘get in the van.’

Sue returned his look for a long moment.  ‘Fine,’ she conceded, ‘but only because I want to see your humiliating defeat first hand.’

‘Sure,’ Will said sceptically, helping her into the van before settling himself in one of the few empty seats.  ‘Has anyone heard from Em-Miss Pillsbury?’ Will asked, as they headed off.  Everyone shook their head.

‘The army are moving in,’ Kurt said, leaning ‘round the front seat to speak to Will.  ‘Everyone’s being ordered to leave.  Miss Pillsbury’s probably already at the airport.’  Will nodded, still frowning.

 

‘No, see, I _need_ a ticket,’ Emma repeated, leaning against the airline desk and speaking earnestly.  ‘There are _zombies_ outside and I need to get out of this city.’

‘As I have said, ma’am,’ the orange-tinted assistant explained archly, ‘the only remaining tickets are for first class.  If you want a ticket you will have to pay the first class price.’

‘And _I_ have explained that the price for a first class ticket is so ridiculously inflated that I can’t afford it.  Come on,’ Emma said, appealing to the woman, ‘can’t you make an exception for extenuating circumstances?  I’ll pay the price of a regular ticket.’

‘No exceptions,’ the woman retorted, gesturing with one perfectly manicured fingernail to a small cardboard sign on the counter.  ‘Now, if you are _not_ purchasing a ticket, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.’  She turned to the couple behind Emma, about to beckon them forward, when a strong male voice resounded in the vast hall.

‘She’s with us!’ Will called, striding up to the desk accompanied by Sue Sylvester and the entire glee club.

‘And you are?’ the woman asked, one eyebrow raised sceptically.

‘Will Shuester, head of New Directions - the glee club at William McKinley High - and holder of thirteen first class tickets with your airline.’  He slapped all thirteen tickets on the desk.  ‘Now, as you can see, we’ve got a problem; thirteen tickets, sixteen people,’ he gestured at the group behind him before turning back and favouring the assistant with his most charming smile, ‘so I need you to do me a favour.  I need another three tickets on this plane,’ he tapped the pile of tickets on the counter, ‘and I need them free.’

The assistant stared at Will’s open, charming face for a second, then reached out and tapped the sign again.  ‘No.  Exceptions.’

‘Alright,’ Sue said, moving Will out of the way and stepping up to the counter, ‘I can think of about seven hundred things I could be doing that are less tiresome than listening to this.  Listen, Tangerine Dream,’ she said, leaning against the counter and addressing the assistant, ‘name’s Sue Sylvester, local celebrity - you may have seen me on Sue’s Corner - I’m also a _personal_ friend of Olivia Newton-John.  Now,’ she continued, before the assistant could interrupt, ‘these tickets were paid for by the vice-president of this company, who happens to have a personal interest in this group.  You see this little phone here,’ she said, gesturing to the white handset next to the assistant’s computer, ‘I can pick up this little phone and _call_ the vice-president, but that would end with you looking for work and I happen to know that no-one’s looking for Oompa-Loompa’s right now, so I would suggest you do yourself a favour and give us the three tickets for free and then you can go on back to spraying yourself with Essence of Cheetos, or whatever that is.’

The assistant stared at Sue for a moment, before muttering, ‘Names?’

‘Sue Sylvester, Emma Pillsbury, and,’ Sue turned back to the glee club and called, ‘Porcelain, what’s the name of your little boyfriend?’

Kurt rolled his eyes and called ‘Blaine Anderson.’

Sue turned back to the assistant.  ‘I hope you got that, because I wasn’t listening.

‘Bronzer,’ the assistant muttered, handing over sixteen tickets.

‘What?’ Sue asked flatly.

‘It’s called _bronzer_.’

Sue regarded the assistant blandly as she handed the tickets back to Will.  ‘Honestly, I stopped caring while I was still talking.’  Without a backward glance, she walked away.

‘Thanks,’ Will called, smiling at the assistant and holding the tickets up.  The assistant glared at him balefully, and Will quickly hustled everyone away.  ‘Right everyone, we’re on our way.’

‘Start spreading the news,’ Kurt sang quietly.

‘I’m leavin’ today,’ Blaine added, linking arms with Kurt.

‘I wanna be a part of it,’ Rachel sang, linking arms with Kurt on his other side.

‘New York, New York!’

‘Will, control your devil spawn,’ Sue called back.  Will favoured her with a look of wide-eyed innocence as the rest of the group joined in.

‘These vagabond shoes, are longing to stray, right through the very heart of it-’

‘No singing!’

‘NEW YORK, NEW YORK!’


End file.
